Mercy Me

Do you know how some competitive sports require good opponents in order to really work? Like tennis - it is a fact that you will play better tennis against someone who challenges your abilities rather than a rank beginner. You'll hit better shots, you'll be pushed farther, and your game will be elevated by the caliber of the competition. If, on the other hand, you play against a first-timer - one who hits soft balls, imprecise shots, without much speed or challenge - it's harder to play a good game yourself because you have less to work with.

Lawyering is like that too. Against someone who is smart and tough, it is easier to perform well. And the inverse is also true - against someone who just doesn't get it, defending or prosecuting a suit will be ten times harder because you have to wade through all of the stupid stuff, which is just clutter, to make sure that the real issues appear before the court.

It's like in that movie Clueless, where Alicia Silverstone gives a class presentation on Haitian (pronounced "Haiti-an") refugees where the main thrust of her argument revolves around garden party, some uninvited guests, and the fact that it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statute of Liberty. The classmate who is supposed to present the opposition goes "How can I respond to that?" It's just so far off the mark that a response seems impossible.

Opposing counsel in a case I've got is like that. Over the past couple months, I've been trying to figure out whether he is dim, lazy and ignorant, or intentionally does not work or play well with others. He takes legal theories which are so far off that even a first-year law student would understand why they are completely inapplicable and then he briefs them for pages on end. This of course requires me to do unnecessary research to find case law pointing out how far off the mark he truly is - a pointless waste of time and money. And he's done this so many times that I am strongly leaning away from thinking he's difficult and strongly leaning towards the opinion that this man is simply not fit to practice law.

I get phone calls asking me what papers I've sent him say (he could try reading them). I get emails where he tries to trick me into waiving procedural rules ("will you waive all of your objections in next week's deposition" is going to get back a resounding "heck no" each time). I got a 90-page motion, via fax (considered impolite - something of that length should be emailed and sent by courier or dropped in the mail), which is completely ridiculous. He overlooks the single issue that he should be concentrating on in order not to lose and just parties it up with the Haiti-ans.

We have a hearing in a couple weeks which should, if the judge is paying attention, end this case. I can't wait. It will be nice to focus on the next items on my docket, where I have worthy adversaries. Too many more like this guy and I'm afraid I'll get dumber.

Wish me luck. Or better yet, wish me patience. I could use it now.

It's All Good

I am having one of those amazing days where I absolutely love my job and all is right in my world. And even better, I seem to be having these days more often. I have no way to express this to the cosmos (or more practically my clients and co-workers), but I feel an excess gratitude on this Monday afternoon. I hope each of you is having a day like this.

I'm not sure, but I think this may have something to do with cleaning out all closets and cupboards in my house this weekend.

Legal Genius

The managing partner of my firm has a toy that is making me positively green with envy. Yup, he has his very own Ball O' Justice sitting right there on his desk!

What, pray tell, is a B.O'J. I hear you ask? Why it's your very own no-assembly-required, batteries-totally-unnecessary tool to master the legal system!
(Okay, so maybe it's more like a magic 8 ball)

I asked a question yesterday, only to be told that the evidence was inconclusive. Apparently yesterday was a bad day for me to argue a summary judgment motion. Today, however, it told me that it bills by the quarter hour - reminding me that I do too and so I had probably better get back to work. Maybe that's why it sits on the managing partner's desk.

(Some Uninteresting Thoughts On) The New Math

I was fiddling around on an insurance website, just to get a quick and dirty idea of how much it would cost me to insure a second car. Now I understand that these calculators aren't focused on giving you a precision quote. If I called up my insurance agent and he gave me the exact same price for my policy that the anonymous website gave me, I would be absolutely shocked and also pretty ticked off that all of the things that make me a good and responsible driver (at least as far as the actuarial tables are concerned) weren't being taken into account.

Well, this calculator has me stumped. If I purchased the new car and only insured it - whether I sold my truck or just gave it to the first person I saw on the street - the price it gave me is more than double what it would cost to insure them both. How on earth do they figure this? I would expect insuring them both to cost a little more than just one, not so extremely the other way around.

I could park my truck, never drive it again, and still save more than half on car insurance. How the heck does that work? If anyone can explain this to me, I'd love to hear.

Hearts & Kisses

Ah, February 14th! Cupid's floating around, I have been plied with chocolate all day, and for the first time in a long time, Lance Armstrong's single again.

Happy Valentine's all!

I-R-O-N-Y

Remember, children: Guns don't shoot people, Dick Cheney shoots people.

Fallout

This morning I was talking to a guy on my way to work about Tuesday night's State of the Union address. Jeez, Louise did I have things right over a year ago.

Flashback!

The time: November 2, 2004.
The place: outside the Florida capitol in Tallahassee.
The props: a John Kerry placard and a backpack.
The action: screaming "WE LOVE FREEDOM, NOT HALLIBURTON!"

Yup, still holds true today. I think we may have ended up with the best president money could buy. But what I wouldn't give for one who couldn't be purchased.

(I know, dream on.)